Why do millions of women dream about marriage? Why do they want it so bad they are willing to make a bad choice to get it? I’m gonna tell you straight up and it may piss some feminists off but that’s fine with me. Women want to get married because being single sucks. It sucks having to do everything yourself. It sucks being alone every night. It sucks! Women want companionship, friendship (which is different from companionship), sex, help with the bills, help around the house, help with the kids, emotional support, sex, security, sex. Ok, maybe most women don’t want sex that much. But wow…sex in marriage is AWESOME for me. And it’s not just women, all human beings want all of those things. We’re kidding ourselves if we say we don’t. Some of these things are possible to get while single but mostly as a single woman you’re on your own.
I was. Dating men gave me certain perks but I was mostly on my own. The buck stopped with me, myself, and I. I longed for a partner who would care about the things happening in my life. My family and friends had lives of their own. I wanted someone to share MINE with ME.
So, I don’t fault anyone for wanting to be married. But being married is not the answer to life’s problems. It ushers in a whole new set of them if you make a bad choice on the who you marry.
I have some experience in this area so if you are a single woman, please listen up. First off…NO MAN meets the Perfect Man List. Whatever list you got going on…if you have conjured up the perfect man…you will not find him. Period.
Most men are heavily flawed as are most human beings. So don’t look for Mr. Perfect. Mr. Perfect is only perfect on the outside. If he always says and does the right thing…you should be worried because he’s hiding either his true self from you or from himself. And it will come out after you get married. If he’s hiding it from you then he is a liar and if he’s hiding it from himself he will most definitely not be man enough to lead his wife in marriage because he has no clue who he is. Steer clear of Mr. Perfect. I promise. Trust me on this one.
Instead of looking for Mr. Perfect look for the person you can be completely yourself with and who likes you just the way you are. This is a big one. He has to LIKE YOU. Not love, but like. If he gets aggravated about things you do in everyday life so much that you infuriate him…MOVE ON…he’s not the one for you. You have to feel good about yourself in marriage. You can’t feel inferior or inadequate because it won’t work. You’ll end up resenting him so much down the road. And that’s worse than being single.
Look for the person who is your best adviser, who gets you to think about things in a way you hadn’t already thought. How many of us women can say their man gets them to see a problem from a new perspective? This takes intelligence and emotional maturity. Why would you want to be married to a man who is not willing to help you by listening and who gives good counsel? It may be lack of interest, it may be lack of ability to connect that way, but either way…MOVE ON…he’s not the one for you. Communication is key in marriage. If you can’t talk things out and if he can’t persuade you then what business does he have being the leader of a family? You’ll end up feeling alone and you will feel burdened by having to make many weighty decisions on your own. And that’s worse than being single.
Look for a guy who is willing to say no when its necessary but in the nicest, sweetest, most thoughtful way possible. I mean, we all say we want a nice guy. But after years, the nice guy becomes a huge push-over who we know we can manipulate to get what we want. It’s not that you are a bad woman, it’s just that the balance of power is significantly off if he can’t ever say no to you. This might seem counter intuitive but trust me on this one. You’ll hate being told no because the little girl in you wants to bat her eyelashes and smile and be told by the conquered male…yes. But the mature woman in you will understand, after a few years, that getting what you want is actually a very bad thing. Because getting what you want all the time makes you spoiled and no one likes a spoiled person because sooner or later that spoiled person starts behaving like a spoiled child. You may like being told yes and on the flip side you don’t want a jerk that wants it his way all the time either. But there has to be times when he shows his backbone. He has to have a backbone. If not, you will end up not respecting him AND being a spoiled brat and that is a bad combination. Trust me. If your man can’t ever say no…MOVE ON…he’s not for you. You need the push back sometimes to keep the power in check. A lopsided marriage is a recipe for disaster. And that’s worse than being single.
Look for a guy who is true to himself. In order for this to happen he has to not only know who he is but also have the confidence to honor who he is to himself and the rest of the world. This requires an enormous level of boldness that you want him to have. Because if he doesn’t have the boldness to stand up for himself to the world he will not ever have your back either. And you want a husband that has your back. One, who will also have the confidence to stick up for you to society, your friends, his friends, your mother, your sisters, your enemies, whoever it may be. You don’t want to be married to someone who will not fight battles with you and actually be on your side. If he can’t or won’t you will be miserable in your marriage. You will wonder what side he’s on. It will break down the trust between the two of you over many years and get you to second guess yourself. And if you’re second guessing core things about yourself because he doesn’t have your back…MOVE ON…he’s not for you. You want someone on your team. You need that in a life-partner. If he lacks the boldness to stand up for himself he will not stand up for you. And that’s worse than being single.
Who you choose to marry is everything. There ARE worse things than being single.
I’ve been in two serious relationships with two guys who appeared to be pictures of perfection on paper. They wooed me and wined and dined me and said and did all the right things. They promised the world to me. But in the end they could not deliver on their promises because no matter how perfect they seemed they lacked all of the above.
I know the difference because now I have all of those things. I don’t even know if I realized I needed them before meeting Harry. They exist on such a different and deeper level than “the list.” Does Harry have a good sense of humor or like my kids? Yes. Is he handsome and do I find him sexy? Yes. I’d be lying if I said these were the ONLY things that matter. They are not. But if they are missing…it makes all the difference in the world.
My Harry actually likes me…just the way I am. It still blows my mind. After years, a lifetime, of trying to be perfect for someone else’s list all I have to do now is be myself and do what comes naturally to me. My Harry has to say no to me all the time. He hates saying it most of the time because he’d rather say yes. And other times he says it because he knows if he does whatever I’m asking, he will be violating HIS true self. And I respect that. I don’t always like it but I know how important a balance of power is now. It’s huge! And my Harry has my back completely. I’m in no fear that he is talking about me behind my back to my family about what I’m lacking…no…he’s defending me. I’ve never ever had that. I can’t tell you what a difference this has made for me. I am actually starting to like myself for who I am too instead of beating myself up all the time. And the thing that Harry does better than anyone on this planet is listen and advise. I’m not smarter than him and he gives very good guidance. And for all of these reasons is why I was able to say yes to my Harry.
Before you continue dating whoever it is you are dating. Before you say yes. Think about how your marriage will be if you marry a guy who doesn’t possess these qualities. If they are lacking…MOVE ON…he’s not for you. Because being married to that is definitely worse than being single.
Improvised Life Hope 