For those of you who know me, you know my story because I’ve been writing about it for about six years. I have had my highs and my lows. And this and my prior blog became my way of sorting through the mess. And it was pretty messy at times. I went through a very painful divorce, then met a man who I thought was the man of my dreams and dated him for almost two years. I promised to marry him when he asked me and went over to England, where he lived, to plan a wedding. His name was Martin. Then it all started to unravel. I was clueless for a while, then I realized it unravelled because he had lied about being divorced and he was still very married. I was devastated and wrote this post back in October of 2011. So long ago.
One of my readers commented on that post saying this:
This may be the end of your book but it is only one book in a series of many. I would definitely not “slam my book shut and curse your name and all the time I wasted reading the book” because it wasn’t a waste at all. This is the book I would read over & over throughout the years to feel all the range of emotions you went through almost like it was actually happening to me. Those are the best books.
Ever since I started reading this blog, I have thought about you a lot. This is not the kind of blog, like many other I read, that once I’m done reading it I forget all about. I think about you & your story while I’m alone driving in my car, when I’m fighting with my husband, when I’m feeling helpless, or when I’m feeling empowered It’s funny, I have never even met you but you have changed my life & I’m sure I will remember you & your story for as long as I live.
Yes, this is definitely the kind of book I would read over & over again. The only difference is usually when the books I love end I am sad. I don’t want it to end. I want to know more, much more. With your blog I get to keep coming back. It’s a book that I keep getting to enjoy. Hopefully, for a long time coming.
This comment brought me to tears when I read it for the first time and brought me to tears again today. But she was RIGHT. It was the end of one book in a series of many!
I don’t often re-read old posts but I’ve been thinking about the past lately. I truly did lay it all out there for the world to read. I’m glad I did because it taught me a lot about myself, and what I truly wanted in life. Apparently it also had the effect of helping other’s through my experience and for that I’m truly grateful that God used me for that purpose.
After much internal debate I contacted Martin recently. Why? Because I wanted to heal old wounds. They are deep wounds that left scars probably on us both. I’ve never had anyone significant in my life that I had to cut out. But things got so out of control in the worst way possible with him at the end and I had to. I would wait a few months and see if we could get closure but each time I tried he would get angry again and say things to hurt me.
But last week was different. I was nervous. I had to talk myself into having the courage to have a chat with him. He knows I am married. He knows I love my husband. And while it didn’t stop him from lamenting our break up to the point of wishing we had gotten back together – this time – he did not go off on me. He apologized for behaving badly in the past and told me he wished he had handled things better. I appreciated his words and took them on face value instead of reading anything into them. We chatted online for about an hour and then wished each other well and said goodnight.
The pastor at my new church said something significant last week. He said that God calls us to forgive those who have sinned against us. But forgiving doesn’t mean you have to trust them again. Because trust is earned over time and some people don’t deserve to be trusted ever again.
I appreciate that because the pain I felt was so deep with Martin, I don’t think he is a person who I could ever trust again. I will always be on my guard with him. Poised to deflect another dagger. But I think I’m on my rode to forgiving him for what happened. I don’t want to lop his head off anymore. The anger is quieter than it used to be.
My Harry has encouraged me to mend this fence if possible. He knows how important it is to me to not live a fractured life. And he trusts me. Trust is an amazing thing when it’s real. Harry has taught me that.
My Pastor also said that lying about anything is telling God you don’t trust him. Because God is all about the truth in love. We need to speak the truth with love regarding everything in our lives and trust that God’s will is perfect and whatever happens as a result, He will get us through.
For years Martin lied to me because he couldn’t imagine his life without me and he thought he had to lie to keep me. What is ironic is that had he been truthful, we probably would have worked things out over time. But because he lied, he lost the very thing he was trying to keep. He didn’t trust God that if it was meant to be that He would work it all out in the end.
I believe God’s will prevailed in my life. I was not meant to marry Martin. He was meant to be in my life at time when I needed his adoration, encouragement, and lust for living a full life. He helped me out of the pit of depression. And for that I’m thankful. And I forgive him for lying.
No matter what pain we go through God’s will always prevails. He takes our sins, our mistakes, our faults, and He works it together for good. (Romans 8:28). Always. And that good isn’t a pretty bow – it’s to be molded into a better likeness of Him.
Think of it like this. Going though a crisis is a bit like being the land destroyed by the eruption of a volcano. You will never be the same again. Your hills and valleys will look different. But after explosion, and the heat and pain of the molten lava is the quiet dusting of ash. It floats int he sky and lingers before it settles into the gaping wounds and up from it, years later the land is restored from the very mineral deposits from the ash itself. That is how amazing God is. He wants us to be healed. He wants the best for us. If we trust Him to know what He is doing you will be restored to even better hills and valleys that were there before. Trust Him to know what’s better for you.
I know the experience of pain and suffering did exactly that to me. It taught me a lot about who I was and who God was.
Now I’m sitting in my loft in the big city and I realize how much I’ve healed since that October of 2011. And how much I’ve healed since 2009 when my husband of 18 years left. In six days that man is getting remarried. While I have reservations about who he is choosing to marry I have absolutely no resentment or anger and wish him only the best. There are no tugs at my heart for any man but my husband.
Harry has shown me what true friendship, true love, and true marriage are all about. God used Harry to reach down and save me. I know it. And I’m so grateful. Harry was the ash God sent me to help me heal and give me peace. Now that very peace is seeping into my past and healing those old wounds.
It has taken a very long time but my life is once again in full bloom.