Stuck in Quicksand

If you grew up watching Saturday morning cartoons like I did, you’d think the likelihood of encountering quicksand was pretty high. But what many of us are learning who engage with news media and social media is that just because you hear a lot about it, and get warned often – doesn’t mean it really is a huge concern. In fact – it is what people want you to be afraid of instead of reality. It’s called having an agenda and in the 21st century we are savvy enough to know that everyone has one. But many of us are finding ourselves stuck in it because we get sucked into arguments online or with our family and friends. And sometimes I feels like there is no way out.

Being impartial is something a judge asks members of a jury pool. They ask, “can you set aside your personal opinion and look at a set of facts and judge fairly based on the facts presented?” We don’t even expect that from our highest judges of them all who sit on our Supreme Court anymore – are we fooling ourselves to think the average man coming in off the street will or can?

Our perspectives are created from all of our history which is unique to us as individuals. What we experience and what we learn is weaved so deeply into our personalities that we haven’t a clue where some of our ideas or opinions even come from! But does that mean, human beings no longer believe that fairness of mind is possible? What do you think?

I’ve personally had my fill of opinionated people from both sides of the political spectrum. They always highlight the negative of their adversary and downplay the negative on their own side. They jump on an image or quote that is completely taken out of context to make their point stronger which is intellectually dishonest. And the sky is always falling! No matter which side you’re listening to, if you aren’t “winning” then the earth is quickly coming to a devastating end. Where did the strong sturdy middle ground go?

I feel like humanity is caught in quicksand right now. We find ourselves in this alternate reality where things don’t work the way they’re supposed to. Ground is supposed to be solid. Facts are supposed to mean something. Words should have agreed upon definitions. But there is a complete lack of trust when it comes to “facts” and “account of events.” We have nothing to establish our base from so we are literally flailing and getting no where but spiraling down even further.

So when you find yourself caught up in that – what can you do? Whether you are having a political discussion, a personal discussion, or a heart to heart with yourself – how can you combat the swirling misinformation, distrust, and lack of unity that makes you feel like even though you are trying to be forthright and honest and thorough in explaining yourself you just seem to keep getting deeper and deeper into fear, isolation, disillusionment, and the dread that the end is coming soon?

First thing you can do is, Stop. Stop trying to get out of it. Stop maneuvering your ideas, your thoughts, your words into the contract you think might “win” and get you out of the pit. STOP ALREADY. And do what is counterintuitive instead. Listen. Be still and listen to other people and listen to God speak to your heart.

Second thing you can do is, reduce the friction. Everyone knows that when you try to wiggle out of quicksand you only end up sinking deeper. The trick is to lay back as far as you can so that your weight is distributed against more surface area. That will leverage the surface tension to your advantage instead of pointing your finger in one spot and immediately sinking. How does that translate to discussions? Before diving in deep to what you think is wrong with someone else opinions, find the things that you can agree on first. Look for them, ask yourself what they are even! When you do…you will see that the core of knowledge, ideals, hopes, dreams, wants are not fundamentally opposed…just the methods for getting there. In other words, we all want the same things in life we just disagree on how to get there. So don’t forget to establish first, that those things are the same. It goes far in helping us see each other as on the same team…all headed for the same goal.

And the third thing you can do is, realize your need for help. When I was around 8 years old my sister and I were dropped off on a little island in the middle of a lake while fishing with my dad. I think we were antsy and bothering him and he figured we could explore and be safe while he did some serious fishing. It wasn’t long into our exploration that we found ourselves knee deep in sand and sinking slowly down to our thighs. We tried to help each other out but the more we pulled up the harder the sand sucked us down. It was terrifying. So we started to yell and wave our hands to our dad who promptly did a friendly wave back, unaware of the danger we were in. Eventually, he figured out our calls were ones of distress and he came to our aid and reach out his hand and yanked us out of the mire.

There is nothing worse than someone who thinks they have everything figured out. Arrogance is unattractive and usually leads to conflict. Humility on the other hand, disarms people. Since we humans all work from a set of perceived truths, it is impossible for any of us to be right all of the time, and it is very possible that we are exercising life with a set of blinders on that prohibit us from seeing things as they are. Knowing this, we all need humility. And we need to be open to the fact that we haven’t considered something that could change our minds. But ultimately because we are flawed and sinful by nature, we are all in desperate need of being rescued from ourselves. And the only one who can do that is God.

Stop long enough to listen, see what is common before highlighting what is different, and admit your need for other’s perspectives, and ultimately rescue from God. Remembering these things BEFORE you engage in an argument will put you in a good position to stop you from getting stuck in the quicksand and back on solid ground.

Gone Girl is Back

I don’t know why things happen the way they do, but I learned something awesome about myself this week. I’m back. I mean, probably for the first time since…um…my senior year in high school. I feel like my whole self again. Older, wiser, more cautious, and not quite as energetic…but my whole self all the same.

Interestingly, this past Sunday we did an exercise in church where the pastor had us write on a piece of paper the thing or things that held us back from believing fully in God and trusting Him with our lives. I wrote simply, “loss”. I lost my dad. I lost my first marriage and the dream I had for my family. I lost the love of my life when Harry died. I have lost so many things and I was hanging onto those losses emotionally through fear for the future. But that day I took the paper and threw it into a fire and watched it burn to ash. I want to live again. And I want to believe that the best is yet to come. What I did was let the pain go….I let it go. I gave it to God.

Just to make it clear to myself that I intended to live in the present and hope for my future, I did something else monumental. I packed up Harry’s letterman jacket that greeted me every day hanging in my garage. And I took his wedding ring off my key ring. It was there since the day he died. I put it away in a special place. I notice it missing, but it was time to not take him with me everyday. It was time to let him go too.

And as if on cue, God decided to test this new resolve right away.

Noah got needy. Two weeks in a row, I discovered he was upset with me after a long day at work. Nothing happened between us, which was his problem. I have a demanding job, and that is putting it lightly. While I was shlepping my notebooks, computer, and ideas from one meeting to the next (sometimes missing meetings because others ran long) he was at home stewing that I wasn’t communicating with him enough.

I got off work, thinking I was going to have a nice evening with my new man, and instead, I was attacked. Then, when I defended myself, I was called a liar. Two weeks in a row. During a phone conversation where I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, something clicked. I realized I do not deserve being yelled at for doing my job. And whatever was happening was not my problem, it was his. And it was not my place to try to fix it.

I said as calmly as I could, that I accepted that I couldn’t give him enough attention, that I was happy but he clearly wasn’t. I thanked him for letting me get to know him but that I didn’t think we were a good match. And I did something that I rarely do. I let him go and I walked away.

These past two years, I learned that there is reasonable effort that I’m willing to put into relationships. But apologizing for not texting someone enough, and being worried that when I ended a long and hard day that I would catch flack at home was not my idea of reasonable. I actually deserved better. And I wasn’t trying to convince myself that I deserved better, it was actually very clear to me. No struggle. No heart wrenching decision. It just was the reality of the situation.

I cared for him and I hoped we could grow into a true couple, but I actually need a secure man who would support me and not need to be reassured that he was special to me with heart emojis every hour on the hour.

And instead of feeling worthless, or hopeless, or guilty. I felt relief. And I felt even stronger that God DOES have someone out there for me. Someday.

I was able to let it go….knowing it wasn’t right for me. And I know 100% it was the right thing to do.

These past ten years, since my first marriage was dismantled, I’ve often wondered where this confident girl disappeared to. Where had she gone? Why was she so willing to accept controlling, manipulative, self-centered, immature men in her life? It’s like I had something to prove to myself that I was worthy to be loved and could make a relationship work.

Interesting.

I’ve been looking for her for ten years. She was gone. I was afraid she’d never come back. I’m so glad she did.

I realize now that God gives me my worth. I am His. Since I am already worthy, I have nothing to prove – to myself or to anyone else. And I’m done taking on worst-case scenario men as some kind of “challenge accepted”. I want healthy. I want mature. I want balanced. And as I type the words I realize how no one write love songs about this kind of love. But I want it all the same.

I want a quiet love that is secure. It’s what I have with Jesus already. I’m willing to wait. I don’t want anymore projects. I just want to be me and have that be enough. Cause it already is. I’m back.

The Beginning of the End

I wrote about love a long time ago being a decision not a feeling.  There is a breeze wafting through my oversized sweater as I sit typing on my laptop at the airport restaurant.  I’m warm and cool at the same time and so is my heart.  I am in love with my husband and I’ve decided that I have to leave him.  Last year, the revelations about his deep layers proved to be the beginning of the end for us.  In fact it was exactly a year ago to the day that I wrote him a letter asking him for three key things if he wanted our marriage to last.  After a year he has done none of them.

Both of us have cried every day for the past at least 4 months over the demise of what felt like the perfect match and perfect love.  It feels like I’m living a bad nightmare and I wish I would just wake up already and sink back into the soft, warm touch of my husband’s embrace.  But I have pictures.  I have videos.  I have screenshots of conversations.  And none of them were with me.

I have the memories of being terrified as I realized my husband was hiding alcoholism until he couldn’t hide it anymore.  And then even more terrified when I tried to help him when he didn’t want help.

The details are ugly.  Suffice it to say I got sucked in to trying to rescue an addict who thought if he just ignored all of his wrong actions and if I would just continue to love him as if nothing bad had ever happened between us, we could still have a perfect marriage.  But that is denying reality and through the many twists and turns of my life, I have learned that above all else; do not deny reality.

A year ago I specifically asked him to stop binge drinking, stop online communication with other women, and to prioritize his health by taking prescribed medicines and keeping up with doctor’s appointments.  I know these three things were not too much to ask.  Apparently, even though he had agreed to them, as time went on he found reasons to object, and back out of his promise.

I moved out late August.  I was determined to show him mercy and love while also trying not to enable him.  But it wasn’t always easy.  I wasn’t perfect.  I was hurt.

Establishing boundaries with him was difficult at first.  I literally had only my kid’s condo I bought for them to dwell and it was a half mile away from him.  My sister reached out to me and asked me to come stay with her for a while in Vegas.  She and her husband had the space and a car for me to drive.  So I bought a plane ticket and I put distance between us.  I hoped the time and space would show him I was serious and he’d clean up his act so I could come home.

It didn’t exactly work out that way though.  He descended even further into alcohol.  It started interrupting his work days and showed up during conference calls with clients.  Everyone I had access to were telling me they were worried about him and were also trying to help him.  But a few good days in a row and a timid phone call trying to give him encouragement from me were routinely followed by days where he was missing in action again.

First it was because business stress, then it was because I left, but it was never anything he ever took ownership of.

I stayed in Vegas for almost 4 months and flew back and forth to work meetings.  Sometimes on my visits home I tried to see more of how he was and spend time with him, but something always happened to show me that he was still drinking heavily and still not ready to admit he had a problem.

I saw the writing on the wall.  I did.  But I knew also that the Holy Spirit lived within him and that all things are possible with God.  So as a last ditch effort I asked if he’d be willing to go to a conference that dealt with some of the issues he was facing and he told me that he would.  I spent a lot of money on the conference that was to last three entire days and he left half way through the second day.

It was the final straw for me and I told him so but he didn’t want to hear it.  I spoke with my boss and asked since it was working out with me commuting long distance if they would agree to me moving to Vegas for a year to keep distance between Harry and me.  They agreed given the circumstances that it was for the best.

He’s not behaving rationally.  The more he realizes that I’m committed to staying away, the more desperate he becomes.  He’s choosing petty arguments over things like my ring and the dog over dealing with the alcohol.  And it’s really just super sad.

He keeps saying in his drunken stupor to me,  “I don’t want this you want this I don’t want this you want this.” And I wonder what demon has a hold of his brain to convince him of that.  It’s truly the last thing I want.  The last thing.

Part of the process of letting go has been this need for me to accept facts instead of him pledging his love.  The facts on the table speak of a truth he will not admit.

At this point, his level of desperation and panic, has led me to fear for my own safety.  He has hurt me while in a blacked out rage.  Now that he knows I’m serious about leaving he has tried to physically restrain me.

I will be his friend again one day.  I pray for his well-being.  His health.  His soul.  But I have to say good bye to my Harry.

My soul feels shell-shocked.  I’ve lost 5 lbs in a week and I feel myself sinking into depression.  But I also know I’m stronger this time because of this blog and all the things I’ve thought through in my writing.  I can go back and read of my past feelings of desperation and realize they only last for a time.  I know I will be ok.  I know I have the Lord and His love for me.  I will begin again…because isn’t that what they say?  Every end is also a new beginning.

Righteous Anger

There are two categories of criminal; the delusional psychopaths and the garden variety people who break the law out of poor judgement for whatever reason.  Similarly, there are two kinds of people who end up hurting others in their personal lives. And I think one deserves a different kind of treatment.  Let me explain…

There is a psychotic, radical, Islamist in Nigeria kidnapping little girls from western-style schools and then selling them into marriages because he believes women are put on this planet to be married, not to learn.  In fact his direct quote was,  “I abducted a girl at a Western education school and you are disturbed. I said Western education should end. Western education should end. Girls, you should go and get married.”  This delusional and dangerous man believes he is doing a good thing.  He should be stopped.  He will not do it on his own.

Then, there are people who rob, steal, even murder, not because they think they’re doing something good but because they are either desperate, financially or emotionally.  There is still no excuse for their actions and they should be punished, but they are not bad people at their core.  They just made bad choices and most of these people are able to get rehabilitated back into society.

Personally speaking, when my ex-husband left me to raise my two teenage children alone, he definitely made a hurtful and bad choice.  But I remember how torn he was in doing so.  He knew what he was doing was bad and never tried to convince himself that he was justified.  He has since apologized to me on multiple occasions.  He did a bad thing, but he is not a bad person.  I hope one day he will be able to have a good solid marriage.

On the other hand, there is a man who hurt me on purpose because he thought he was completely justified in his actions and still does.  He lied from day one leading me to believe he was one thing (an eligible, Christian man who would love me and honor me and wanted to marry me) but who was very much someone very different (a very married man, who lied about just about everything because it kept me around and that is what he wanted. No matter who he hurt along the way including his wife, kids, my kids, and me. Who behaved in the most un-Christian manner when his lies were brought to light and who always rationalized what he did by denigrating my character.)  He stood in church to give his testimony before his baptism, telling the congregation what a good person he was and calling me his fiancé, while his wife sat in their home, that they shared, in the same town.  At the time, his testimony struck me as odd because he didn’t seem to “get” that being a Christian was about humbling yourself as unworthy without Christ,  not puffing yourself up.  When I found out weeks later that he was in fact still married and living at home, the pieces started to fall in place.

He still believes that he didn’t do anything wrong and is a great husband and father and person.  But he is truly pathological.  When our pastor found out the truth about him, he told me how lucky I was to have escaped, because he was a very dangerous man.  It is a ruthless individual who will seek his own pleasure at others expense.

There are lots of guys out there who are cheaters.  But it is a rare breed who takes it to the level of proposing, and planning a wedding while they are still married while having no intention of following through.  That is ruthlessly mean.

I’ve sorted through it all with the help of Harry who has always been patient and loving to me regarding this situation.  But part of me still wants to see justice done.  He is a bad person in his core.  I know for a fact I’m not the only one this has happened to, and I’m so afraid he’s going to hurt someone else.  This delusional and dangerous man believes he is good.  He should be stopped.  He will not do it on his own.

I would never think to speak about my ex-husband in an unfavorable way to people who know him.  But I would not think twice from warning people to not trust this liar.  There is a big difference which requires a different kind of treatment.  With this individual it is not just about if I’m able to forgive him for what he did to me.  I could forgive him easily if we just did not work out.  But it’s not like that …he deliberately deceived me from day one for two years.

To this day, this man is friending random people on Facebook who are my friends and affiliated with my church.  He lives in England, 6000 miles away,  and has visited my hometown with his wife since our break up.  I do not live in a tourist town by any means.  He currently has an active dating page online that lists himself as divorced and yet on Facebook passes himself off as a happily married Christian man.  Sick. The thought of him literally makes my skin crawl that I ever let him close to me and my kids.

I know for a fact he will pounce on his next victim if given the chance.  The radical Islamist said he will kidnap again and the world is outraged because those girls are innocent victims.  And I’m outraged that this man is free to do what he did to me again to another innocent, naïve, trusting woman.  I’m outraged for his wife and kids who are stuck with him.  I’m outraged that he is such a good con-man that people don’t even realize they’re being sucked into believing outright lies.

Jesus saved his highest form of anger to those who were hypocritical about their faith and who undermined the faith of others for their own gain.  I know that when this man dies, justice will be done.  But in the meantime I will not sit by when others could fall prey to him.  There is a place for righteous anger.

 

Will Winter Ever End?

I know that my friends in the Midwest, South, East Coast and everywhere in between are still having to deal with the snow that a mere ten-day honeymoon of left me with a cold that has now lasted over a month.  We arrived in Boston on January 2 as the snow began to fall. We experienced a blizzard there and bitter cold as we traveled down and spent half our time in New York City.  I’m not sure how you guys handle it day in and day out for months on end.  But it was fun for Harry and I at the time.  Seeing the snow flurries, watching the people with shovels, bundling up, eyes watering, fingers numb to the point of pain, hair that looked a wreck no matter what I did.  It was fun!  It was!  Why?  Probably because I knew it would soon be over.  I knew I’d be flying home to sunny SoCal very soon.

Ten days and it’s easy to have a great attitude about it.  A bit more challenging for three months.  But even then, we all do know that eventually Spring will come.  That’s how it works.

So why when we are in a season of pain in our life can’t we relish the time as a different phase and soak it up like Harry and I did in Boston and New York this winter?  Put on that hat and coat cheerfully.  Don’t worry about the messy hair so much and take a good long walk in Boston Commons.  You’ll see fields of pristine, white, snow with not one footprint.  Beautiful.

You’ll walk in Central Park and in between your fogged up glasses, and scarf, your nose will smell the wet dirt.  Your ears will hear the scurry of a squirrel up a tree and the distant honk of a taxi cab.  You’ll throw rocks onto a frozen lake that perfectly reflects the frosty skyline in the most magical way you’ll ever see.  It will be bitter cold.  You will look as if you are miserable and part of you will be.  Your fingers will hurt. They will hurt so bad it will feel like pin needles piercing the skin.  You won’t even be able to take your gloves off because your fingers won’t be able to move.  But you will also have unique moments that you couldn’t have at any time and anywhere else in your life. And you’ll be proud of yourself for getting out there and doing it anyway.  And you will have precious memories.  Of course, this is only one option.  You can opt for looking outside and thinking to yourself, There is no way in hell I’m going out in that.   Or you can find the first plane back to California and not be changed by the experience at all because you’ll go back to exactly where you were before.

When I was newly single after a break up,  I became determined to find solace, strength, and beauty in my singleness.  That time alone is a precious memory to me now. I decided to take the walk.  I chose it.  I could have turned around and gotten back on the plane.  In fact, there were two guys ready and willing to put me back exactly where I HAD been…in a bad relationship.  But I didn’t want to have more of the same.  I wanted something better.  I could have hibernated for the winter too…and there is some wisdom in that.  At least that is safer.  But I knew I had to keep living.  I wanted to keep living. I chose to walk.

So often when people find themselves single again their well-meaning friends tell them to get back on the horse.  Go on a date or two and that will help you forget about that jerk yahoo.  But the problem with that logic is that you are nowhere near emotionally ready to date again right after a break up.  Missing is mourning.  Missing like mourning  is necessary.  And being alone for a time is necessary too because it’s hard to miss when someone is sucking your face.  If you jump into a new relationship without dealing with why the last one failed, you will make the same mistakes again anyway.  And you will find yourself in an endless cycle of either choosing the wrong kind of guy, or being the wrong kind of girl.  Either way it’s no good.

Instead of a string of bad relationships that only creates baggage and insecurity in life, I decided to work on being okay with  just being me.  It was not fun all the time and I didn’t follow my own advice 100% of the time.  It was hard and painful but I almost relished the pain like the hurt your muscles feel after a good work out.  I knew it was the good kind of pain.  I was willing to go out with men as long as they knew I just wanted to be friends and hang out and have some fun.  Men don’t do that well.  I tried.  But, they just wanted to rush things.  Giving me a hug after our first ever hike and asking me for a kiss?  Um…NO…I said, “Just friends. It was not a date.”  Yes of course I kissed him anyway…but then I called him up and broke things off.  I knew I wasn’t ready.  Telling me they love me after our first evening playing pool?  Um…NO…I said, “Just friends. It was not a date.”  Yes, of course, I let the guy come around for a while.  It’s hard to break someone’s heart.  But I also sent him packing as well.  Because I knew both guys weren’t right for me.  So I let them both go.  In the midst of all of that, the guy I originally broke up with was trying to win me back too. And even though there was a time when he made me feel like he was Mr. Right, I knew without a doubt he was very much Mr. Wrong.  So as hard as it was, I kept saying no to him too. And decided to do my own thing for a while.

It would have been so easy to fill the void with another guy.  But I figured I was 42 years-old and I should probably fill that void myself first.  Because if I had no void to fill, the next guy in my life would be a guy I wanted instead of one I needed.

I practiced sleeping on my ex’s side of the bed (after being married 18 years that felt very foreign).  I developed a workout routine.  I found ways to make myself happy while I was alone by going to my favorite restaurants, or watching the kind of movie that I liked.  I reignited friendships with girlfriends.  I started a few projects.  Truthfully, what I discovered, was that I absolutely HATED being single.  I hated it.  HATED.  But I also discovered that I could do it.  I absolutely did not need a man to have beautiful, special, precious, dare I say, even happy moments.

It’s funny because as soon as I stopped looking for the sun and chose happiness steeped in my winter snow…the sun popped out in the most unexpected way.  I re-met Harry.  He was just a guy I’d known practically my whole life as an acquaintance.  Like the others, I told him that I only wanted to be friends, nothing more.  He said, “Fine.”  But unlike the others he stayed true to his word.  He did not push for a relationship at all.  We became friends and talked all the time.  That’s it.  Just talking.  For months.  I shared with him stories of my life and he shared with me.  We learned a lot about each other’s weaknesses and never tried to impress.  There was no need to impress because we weren’t dating.  I didn’t need this guy but I really liked talking to him.

It took us three months to hold hands.  A few more weeks to kiss.  No one pushed or pulled or cajoled.  It just happened.  The way these things are supposed to happen.  Naturally.  I realized I wanted Harry in my life.  My season of singleness was over.  I’m so grateful I did the hard work in my winter so that when the right guy did come along I was ready to love him the way I should.

Seasons change.  We all know they will.  But some people who are single are so afraid of being single they chase down men who are so completely wrong for them while calling them Mr. Right.  As if by name alone that will change their make-up.  NO.  They are Mr. Wrong, move on.  They try to fit a square peg into a round hole instead of waiting, finding beauty and strength in themselves.  When that right guy does come along (and he will) you want to be ready to want someone instead of needing them.

At the time I likened being single to eating fish.  I hate eating fish but I know that eating fish is healthy and good for me.  Being single is for a time too.  And when you’re in it…it’s easy to think desperately that you will never get out of it.  But Winter will end and Spring will come.  For some lucky people they only have to endure Winter for 10 days.  I realize that I was one of the lucky ones.  Others get three months or more.  But eventually…at the right time for you…when you’re ready and not a second sooner…it will happen.

If you’re single, your job right now is to relish the time of having numb fingers, dry skin, rotten hair days, and bitter cold and look for the beauty in those days despite the pain.  Celebrate the times you are strong enough and brave enough to take those walks in the park so that you can learn the good lessons, build your strength up, and feel whole, with no void at all.  One day the sun will pop up and you will realize man or no man you are fulfilled and into your next season.