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Processing Pain

With Harry, I got a glimpse of how God sees life.  Marriage is temporary.  In that it doesn’t survive in heaven.  Harry was a horrible husband. That doesn’t even matter to me anymore.  God put him in my life.  And yes, I got to him on a level no one else could have and GOD orchestrated it all because He relentlessly pursued my husband’s heart and soul.  God saw Harry’s heart for what it truly was and all the flailing and acting out that he did were smoke and mirrors to a deep need Harry had for unconditional love.  GOD KNEW THAT.  He knew I was strong enough and stubborn enough to fight for truth in that.  All I cared about in the end was Harry knowing God’s love for Him.  So, somehow God used all the mistakes and arguments, and strife to bring Harry to the place of accepting God’s authority over his life.  And then He took him.  Scooped him up and he was gone.

So now this girl is battle weary.  And has been in a season of healing.  It will be 6 months in a week.  Processing the pain is hard.  When I allow myself to think about him and us, and the good, the bad, the ugly…its the good that hurts the most.  WHY is that?  Oh, maybe cause that is what I miss the most.  I cry daily.  Hard.  Big alligator tears that trickle down my face sometimes and other times sobs that hurt my stomach muscles.  It’s pain.  Pain that has changed me once again.

As I process this pain He’s giving me a wonderful distraction with a new job at a church who loves Jesus more than anything.  He’s put me exactly where I can use my past experiences and all the skills I’ve learned throughout the years for His glory.  I work long hours, and have probably too much on my plate and I’m reveling in it.  Because at night when I go home…I cry.

Even when Harry and I were apart we talked every day.  Even when I was trying desperately hard to let God do the work in him and NOT rescue him…we never lost the heart connection we had.  He was my person.  It just was.  I knew it from the first time I ever so sweetly kissed his lips.  I was his.  And now he is no more. I can’t imagine what life is like for him now up in Heaven but I’m sure he has an understanding that allows him to be completely whole, happy, and healthy.  I don’t mourn for him but for myself.

Some would say I’m crazy because he brought so much pain and chaos into my life.  WHY MOURN THAT?  And I would say, that life with Harry was hard but it was rich and deep and real.  He and I spoke to each other’s souls.  We didn’t hide anything.  And two people rarely get to that level of intimacy.  It didn’t matter what else was happening if he was sober…(big if…but yes…if he was) he was my very best friend in the world.  The best listener, the best advice giver, he was my prayer partner.  He was just so deeply damaged and God is the true rescuer…He took Harry home.  Maybe God thinks I’m strong enough to manage without that in my life for the rest of my life.  Maybe God has other plans for me…HE MUST….

My job is so very humbling.  God continues to use me for His glory.  I can’t tell you how many things have happened in the last few months that have left everyone in awe of His presence at work which is church.  So what is the lesson I am to take away from this?  What is the hope I hang onto now?  How is it different this time?

I am now 49 years old.  When my first husband left me I felt like I was drowning.  Nothing made sense and the betrayal I felt was deep.  I had always had someone and felt safe and all of a sudden I didn’t.  For the first time in my life I had to walk by faith and not by sight and I was miserably horrible at it.  My pastor this weekend said that you can have faith in the big things after you have faith in the small things.  And spoke about a child taking their first steps…they seems so insignificant but how important they are…because if they didn’t start there…they’d never be able to leap and run.  Instead of trusting God in faith I looked to the first thing I could see that could tether me into a world that made sense again and I tethered myself to a lying manipulator who was a true narcissist.  Getting knocked down, I determined this time to look for something less safe on the outside and more real.  And that is when I found Harry.  And while that was beautiful in ways that defy common sense, it also took its toll on me.

I left my kids, moved a state away, commuted by plane for over a year all to have him die in my arms.  From the worlds perspective my relationship with Harry was a catastrophe.  At the very least it destroyed my life as I knew it.  No argument there.  It did.  So…what do I have now?  Nothing?

I met my new boss in the Emergency room minutes after finding out that Harry was gone forever.  My boss and his wife who love and support me in a new job where I’m not only having fun but feeling appreciated and needed and …my pastor said something else that rocked me this weekend.  He said this, “Blessings in your life are not intended to fulfill you –  they are intended to direct you.”

He said we are made for more.  And every good thing in our life are like whispers from God. We say, “oh God this baby in my arms is amazing what could be better than this?”  And he says, “Just wait.”  that every blessing felt on earth pales in comparison to the hope we have in heaven….every blessing is a whisper to show us a glimmer of what is ahead of us and with every blessing we should not be fulfilled but allow that to fuel our desire for our true home and be heaven-minded with our lives which allows me to live with fearlessness and boldness because what is the worst that could happen?

WOW.

WOW.

WOW.

Instead of our blessings being hoarded…they are meant as encouragement to live with abandon.  So I had three years of chaos because of Harry’s issues…was the result for God’s glory?  Absolutely.  Was it worth it?…heck yes.

And now I await my next assignment?  NO.  He gave it to me the day Harry died.  I have the gift of widowhood that I might serve God and His people without worldly constraints.  What does that mean?  What is God calling me to do with my life?  Something amazing!!!  He would not have put me here otherwise.  So what should I do about it?  REST IN HIM and do my best always.

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7 thoughts on “Processing Pain

    • I do believe that just not as married couples. There is no biblical evidence of marriage in heaven. I think our relationships as everything else will be completely transformed and made even more beautiful.

  1. I don’t really agree, no disrespect intended. Just because the Bible doesn’t say it doesn’t mean it’s not so. Who knows what God will do when we get there? It’s not up to us to guess. I reckon that heaven will be what we each, individually, want it to be. If I want to be reunited with my husband, I will be. If I want to stuff my face with cream cakes all day whilst laying on a cloud, it will be.

    I don’t put much energy into what’s in the Bible. For me, it’s human written with some inspiration from above, but I don’t believe God wrote it. As far as I’m concerned, religion is one of the worst inventions of human kind. It’s brought more heartache and conflict in its time and has nothing to do with belief in God. Religion and spirituality are two totally different things.

    By the way, I am very sorry for your loss. You have endured great hardships and pain since you began your first blog and you are very strong. Happiness in some form, what, who knows as “the future’s not ours to see” (as the song goes) will come your way. In its time.

  2. i know what you mean, my life was wacko for a while, got rid of cheating husband, but now I am married to a truly wonderful man. we have our issues, and it’s not always easy for two married before people in their fifties to cede to one another and not try to take control, but the work is worth it to us.

    Livvy, I don’t doubt that you loved Harry. And I’m sure he loved you. But don’t forget, that love came at a price for you. For some reason, Harry could not or would not truly honor you – as a wife or, more importantly, as a person. This does not mean that he cared less for you. But one thing I’ve learned over the years: you cannot get from someone that which they are unable to give. For whatever reason, they are unable to provide you with what YOU need. And that’s no reflection on you. It’s just what it is with them and it never changes.

    I do hope that someday you meet a man that will give you what you truly need and will cherish you for real.

    • thank you for that word of encouragement. I do know that to be true. And it does’t mean that I loved him any less. It was unconditional. I do hope that for myself some day too.

  3. No you didnt but it just wasnt the right thing for YOU. I fervently hope that one day you will have a truly good relationship. But if you don’t there’s still a lot of fun out there to be had. THe best piece of advice I got after getting divorced (from an also divorced person) was to let things be about you for a while. Be selfish. You deserve to have your own way for once.

    And you know, you don’t have to get into a relationship if you dont want to, There are plenty of guys out they to hang out with and screw. If you want to have sex with 10 guys at the same time and only date 3 of them, go for it girl. There’s nothing stopping you. I’ts Livvy time now

    And no, I dont think God cares one way or the other who we have sex with and how much, married or unmarried. She’s got too much on her plate to worry about that trivial bullshit.

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