On Christmas, I sat on that mountaintop, and I knew the Lord was with me. It was the most sincere experience of his presence that I have had in a very long time. And I wanted to honor my talk with God with obedience. I referenced Luke 1:45, when the angel spoke of Mary saying, “And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.”
Yesterday while on the phone with my son who was out to lunch with Harry…I learned that Harry was drinking again and very depressed. My son told me not to worry, but I knew he wasn’t reading the situation accurately. As soon as we hung up I called him back, but they’d already parted company and he was on his way to get a haircut. I told him as soon as his haircut was over, he needed to go to Harry’s office and pick up our dog. What met my son next was something I would never wish on anyone. There was Harry with a head wound, blood, the paramedics, talk of suicide, and a refusal to go to the hospital. My son was thrust into this chaos because Harry had been drinking all morning and he fell on his way back to his office. Harry was given the choice of going with them to the hospital or being taken in involuntarily on a 5150 which would put him on a 72 hour hold and in the psych ward. He went to the hospital via ambulance.
I only mention what happened because it involved my son which for some reason got my attention more than when it happened to me. I saw it in a different light. I went full-on Mama Bear. All of a sudden after 5 months of waffling I had resolve to not allow this dysfunction, chaos, and pain into the life of me or my children. They mean too much to me. I wonder now, why I didn’t mean as much to myself, but that is a question for another moment.
After much of the drama had played out, around 6 pm, I got an overwhelming sense to go to church.
What happened next, I can only describe as Spirit led. I googled bible-teaching church and Las Vegas. I clicked a couple of links and then settled on one in particular for no particular reason. I clicked to listen to an audio file and then while listening went to their Facebook page. Turns out they were having a Wednesday night Bible study. I looked at the clock and I only had an hour until it began. It was a 30 minute drive away. Why did I want to go there so bad? As I tried to talk myself out of it, my body got up out of the messy covers I’d been hovered in all day, took a quick glance at my swollen, red face and snarled hair, and jumped in the shower. I was compelled to go.
I left the house and got a block away before I realized I forgot my Bible. I turned around to get it and a pen. When I arrived, people were trickling in and seemed to know where to go, so I followed them. It was a small group of about 30-40. They were going into a classroom not the main sanctuary. I thought, this is going to be interesting.
My phone rang.
It was my son telling me he got a call from the property manager, saying that as soon as Harry got to the hospital, he refused care and walked out and went right back to the bar. He was at it again, and had just got picked up by the cops. My hand was shaking as I got the news. I’m sure people overheard me as I asked…”Is he in jail?” He didn’t know. I thanked him for calling and found a seat.
As I walked in the room, I felt as if I was visiting someone’s living room full of friends. There was talk of a Valentine’s Day dinner, news of a sick child finally getting the ok to see a specialist, the happy birthday song was sung and cake got past around. I met Hillary a nice older lady with her Bible in a fancy carry case. And then the message from the pastor.
He told us that the topic of his discussion today would be “Learning How to Accept What God Has for You” and the text would be the story of the angel telling Mary she would become the mother of Jesus. Luke 1:28-29. Same story as I referenced from my mountain top experience.
Luke 1:28-29 says, “And he came to her and said, ‘Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!’ But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be.”
And as if to pick up where God left off with me from Christmas day, the pastor said many things that pieced my heart. He said among other things. The quality of our life depends on the questions we ask ourselves. When Mary got her word from the Lord she was troubled and asked herself how could this be? And when we are faced with things that are unexpected in our lives, we too, will ask our questions. How can this be God? He said that is normal and natural but ultimately we need to ask “God WHAT do you want me to do?” instead of “God why is this happening?” How is it possible to trust God? Without faith it is impossible to PLEASE God. He said that if you are not ready to receive what God has for you, then there will be confusion.
CONFUSION? I could identify with that.
So what eliminates confusion? That seems like it should have a complex answer. But that night it was put simply. Confusion is eliminated when you simply trust God with what he’s placed in your life to deal with or go through and ask Him “How can a glorify you in this situation?” And then do what glorifies God. Mary said, even though she didn’t understand, and it was not in her plan, “Let it be.”
So I am a state away from previous life, worried to death for the life of a man I love but whom I’ve been hurt by, and God has told me to wait. That’s it. Just wait. So I must say, if I trust Him, “Let it be.” I don’t know why this is happening the way it is. But I must trust God. If the worst possible fear is realized and I get a call telling me that my husband has drunk himself to death…let it be. It’s not in my control. I have to give my husband to God. And I must take care of myself. Until God tells me anything different than wait.
I left church and knew why God compelled me to go. I spent the rest of the evening calling hospitals and jails. The next day I kept looking for apartments. If this is where God has me, I’d better settle in.