Balancing Life

Losing Your Marbles

According to this site, losing your marbles means losing your mind.  As if to walk around without a portion of your brain.  But when I was thinking about what to title this post, the phrase came to mind because of the action of actually dropping your marbles, which would be in a sense losing them for a period of time.  I like to think of it as temporary insanity.

Imagine you have your 5 or 6 prized marbles in your hand and you get bumped.  They go flying into the air, bouncing onto floor, and then rolling off it all different directions.  Now imagine that each of those marbles represented things you were “holding onto” to keep your life stable.

Let’s say one is your health, one is your home, one is your significant other, another is your job, and the fifth one is all those people you hold dear that you get strength from.  Could be friends, church fellowship, or other family members. 5 marbles.  All up in the air, bouncing around, and rolling in different directions all at the same time.

That is my life right now.

I see another new doctor on January 9 to find out about having a surgery to remove anything that “might” be cancer in my body.  I’m mostly positive in my outlook about this and figure I have no control over the outcome so why worry about it needlessly.  I’m more fearful of the impending surgery than the outcome to be honest.

I remain “homeless” and confused about what to do.  Graciously my sister and her husband have taken me in and provided me with very comfortable accommodations, but they are temporary and in another state.  Should I get my own place here where I can afford to live nicely and free from the distractions at home?  Should I stay here until after the surgery so there is someone to look after me?

I am separated from my husband for over 4 months now.  I miss the “us” we used to be terribly.  But not all of what we used to be.  I don’t miss the fear.  I am lonely.  So lonely as I am a person who thrives on giving and receiving affection.  That is my love language.  TOUCH.  I don’t know if we are going to get back together as my husband is on a long and hard journey back from addiction.  In the meantime, I feel lost and broken and only half here.

My job is in CA and I’m living in NV and they are being gracious enough to accommodate that long distance.  But there are changes lurking around at work that include hiring people to replace me and making me their supervisor.  It’s scary knowing I’m “not there”.  What if I lose my job?

And my church, my friends, most of my family including my children are 400 miles away.  I’m trying to make new friends here.  I have one very dear friend who has put himself out for me time and time again, often to his own detriment.  But you know what happens when you rely too much on one person…it’s not fair.  But I don’t know what to do about it as this new home doesn’t quite feel like home yet.

All my marbles are dancing around, all over the place, and I’m sure anyone looking in at me from beyond thinks I’m crazy.  I flit from one idea to another constantly.  One emotion to another.  Moving to a high-rise where I can treat myself to a good life, then to a cheap no nothing apartment to save money so I can buy a place sooner  From being done with my marriage and needing to move on to a loving, stable relationship to trying one more time to keep my three-year marriage together.

This past Dec 31 was our anniversary and I certifiably lost it.

The middle of night after our revelry, everyone went off to sleep and I had a melt down.  To me it was a dream but to everyone I woke up around 3 AM, it was very real.  I was trapped in an attic (it was really the dining room table).  I remember seeing little glints of light through cracks in pieces of wood but I was crouched down and all alone and lost with no one to save me.  I screamed out, “Somebody help me!  I’m lost!  Is anybody there?”  My cousin came to my rescue and quieted my tears.  It wasn’t the first time a cousin has done that.  Just 7 years ago when my first husband left I had a similar breakdown.

Looking back the two episodes feel eerily similar.  Have I learned nothing after all this time?

But I have to remind myself that when you are looking for your lost marbles…your attention is fractured.  As you chase after one, you hear another one bounce and you know it’s going the opposite direction.  Every second you have to decide if you should keep chasing that one, hoping to grasp it safely in your hand again, or move on to the other one for a while.

What is interesting about the thought of chasing marbles is this: How many times do you EVER catch a marble until after it’s stopped rolling?  Maybe once in 100?  And if you’re trying to catch-all five before they stop it’s nearly impossible.

So my new year’s advice to myself is to “Be still and  know that I am God” Know that His will is being and will be accomplished.  Once my marbles stop rolling around I can calmly walk over to them and pick them up.  In the mean time…CHILL and let things roll around for a while.  Some things you just can’t hurry or you’ll drive yourself mad.

Time will tell.  Give it time missy.

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