I’m great on trusting God with the big picture. But not so much with the little things of life. In this moment, I’m in a huge transition of life. There are so many things that I wish were settled, and done with, but they’re not. A laundry list runs automatically through my head almost constantly. It’s not that I’m “worrying” about things. There is just so much to keep track of. The voice inside my head keep saying, “Be patient, it will happen.”
What fixes will the buyers ask for after the inspection? How will I arrange those fixes? How in the world am I going to box up the rest of my crap before Monday? Should we pay movers?
I thought I needed a hysterectomy? Hospital dropped my insurance. No surgery. Doctor says we can take care of it with another LEEP. Okaaaay…. So Tuesday…I’m going under again. Will it work this time?
We need a new dining table, new night stands, new practically everything cause I sold all my old stuff….we got two places to pay for and…crap…Christmas is coming up?! And I need to buy a condo with the proceeds from my house. I wanna find the right place that isn’t too expensive…don’t want to miss the perfect place.
The kids don’t want to move. They have to pack their crap up. Both are sad but know it’s time. I don’t want to lose what we have that keeps us close. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I miss them.
He’s working so hard, how can I help him the most? How can I be real about my stress level without making him feel bad? If we get through this…we are GOLDEN. We are so maxed out in every way. Amazing that we still have solidarity…I’ve never had a partner like this before. I love him SO MUCH.
And that is just what I’ve rattled off the top of my head in the last 5 minutes. That is not counting thinking about laundry, and work, and making dinner, and keeping the house clean…getting used to a new grocery store (I know…first world problems, but it is stressful), wondering why I didn’t pack even one sauce pan or the salt yet, and figuring out all the little quirks of our new place like the fact that they run the sprinklers at 6:00 PM so I shouldn’t take my dog out to pee right then.
When so much is up in the air and there are so many questions – IN THE MOMENT – it’s hard to trust that it will all work out. I KNOW IT WILL…so almost every hour, I have to remind myself that things will be OK.
And it’s not a platitude, or positive thinking. It’s real. Things really will be ok. How do I know this?
Because, what is the worst consequence that could happen? What is the doomsday scenario for each of my concerns?
I play them out in my head. And in each and every one of them, I know I’ll survive. Somehow I will. If I lose one of these gambles would my life change? Yes. But would I be ok? Yes. And what if I’m not? What if I’m not OK?
Put simply….I have to be. Because fighting the inevitable is never a healthy option. In the end we all die. That is inevitable. Until then?
I can’t hold onto what I want to happen if it doesn’t. I have to accept what actually does happen.
I can love my kids.
I can love my husband.
I can be disciplined to keep my head on straight and not lose my cool.
I can stay focused.
I can ACCEPT AND ADJUST as needed.
I can let the winds of change blow and ride this out.
I can be kind to myself and give myself moments of rest.
That is all I can do.
So I will. And when I screw up, I will apologize as soon as possible.
Because the other important thing I need to remember is, I’m not in this alone. My kids and husband are stressed and experiencing their own feelings and thoughts.
Giving them grace is just as important as what I do internally.
And so…I trust in this moment. And the one after that. Until this transition passes and I find myself looking back. I pray soon, saying to myself, “See? It all worked out.”