It’s kicking in…7 1/2 months in. I’m married. And in a good way. I still look down at my ring and think…wow…”you’re married”. But each day we are better. Men say…well, even culture says, things go downhill once you get married. Sex disappears. But to a woman who loves the Lord…and yes…I said WOMAN and by Lord I meant JESUS. It only gets better. I felt confined and frustrated (especially sexually) as a single woman. Maybe because I was with my first husband 23 years and had been together since we were 16, so I identified with myself as a married mom. But, now that I’m into month 7, I realize already that I’m a different wife now. Not only am I different, but Harry and me have a different dynamic as a married couple…WAY more balanced. And it’s good. Really good.
He was a man of the world. I had limited experience. We found each other and found love and found love for God, and then something incredible happened. We decided to trust it. Trust God, and trust each other. It’s not only a new day but I’m a new person. In marriage I’m not confined like the ball and chain picture so many like to promote. I’m free. I’m free to love in the safety of a monogamous relationship. I’m free to give my whole heart. I’m free to express myself physically without holding back.
And I’m feeling good.
Every day is not perfect. There are moments when I feel stretched. But loving my Harry has been so easy because I know in my heart it is right. He was the one God picked out for me so long ago. We often lament that we never had that conversation in 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th grade. But we had to go through it all to find each other. It took 43 years. And that’s ok. For us, that is what was needed.
I sat at my dining room table tonight laughing and eating slow-smoked ribs with my son, his girlfriend who are about to turn 21; my husband; my 18 year-old daughter and her first ever real boyfriend; and I know I’m good. GOOD.
I still want to lose 10 lbs and I have struggles…including incessant hot flashes that bring me to the point of panic. But, it’s all part of the game of life. And I know now, that the bad that happened to us in 2008, God worked together for the good.
It’s different than I wanted but it’s also better than I ever imagined.
So I’m probably not going to write many more posts. I just don’t have the drive I used to. Maybe I’ll write that book if I can stomach reliving some of the pain. But for me…I know I’m ok. I like myself. I’m grateful for my choices, for the things that chose me, even for the pain.
Because each day is a new chance. Just remember that. One day you will look back and say, “It was worth it.”