For the males in my audience, I apologize ahead of time for the frank female discussion that is about to commence.
I’ve never been one to give my body much thought. I breathe, my heart beats, I have been relatively healthy my whole life. And then I got a bad pap smear that led to another one that led to two cryosurgical procedures and multiple biopsies that led to a surgical procedure called LEEP and a D&C last week.
I’ve pretty much been recuperating as expected with a little more bleeding than I thought but I’ve been able to do all normal activities except my running routine. And I really wanted to start running again, so I called the doctor the other day, left a message for the nurse to call me and she never did. So, I called back yesterday. They apologized and said they’d call me back again. About two seconds later the nurse was ringing me. She said she’d been trying to get ahold of me all week but was using the wrong number. And then I knew the news was not going to be good.
She said after the surgery the doctor did two more biopsies which both came back bad. It meant the surgery that has a 90% effective rate at solving the problem for most women did not work on me. She said I needed to come in for an appointment as soon as possible to discuss with the doctor my options which include and will most likely be a full hysterectomy.
I hid the fact that tears were streaming down my face as we finalized our phone conversation and then openly wept as soon as I hung up the phone.
I know that having the operation is good because it means I will not get cancer. I know it is fairly routine and I’ll be ok. I know all of the things I’m supposed to know to make this not as scary as it feels. I’m a tough chick and I know I’ll be fine.
The sadness for me is more emotional. Harry never had kids. And now he won’t for sure. He is fairly convincing when he tells me that he’s okay with that, but we’ve joked around about how awesome our son or daughter would be and how proud he would be to have a child with me. I know what we have is perfect for us right now and a child would change things drastically. But I love him so much, a part of me really wanted to give him that gift.
I’ve never considered that there was something I couldn’t give him. And now, there is. And it makes me very sad. I’m going to be 45 this September. I know I’m past my child-bearing years and yet it still makes me sad because there was that ounce of hope or possibility.
When I told him what the doctor said, he left his clients office for the hotel and he gave me lots of hugs all night. I think it scares him a little too because he doesn’t want to talk about it much. Especially when I bring up my fears. He’d rather not know.
It looks like 2014 is my year to have health issues that keep me from being active. This last surgery they said give it 4 weeks to recuperate. With a hysterectomy it is 6 weeks. That means it will be July before I will truly be up and RUNNING again. And that makes me sad.
My oldest turns 20 years old tomorrow. I have raised two great kids. He’s on a plane flying to Oregon to see his girlfriend as I type. She is a sweet girl and has been one of the best things that has ever happened to him. We were texting before his flight about how the TSA took away his deodorant because it was too big and he hadn’t even opened it yet. I laughed and shook my head at the thought. And then he said, “Hey mom, I love you. Just in case.” This is his first flight alone and only about his third flight ever. He was excited and nervous.
I’ve done a good job. I know I did. I have two wonderful kids. I should feel blessed God gave me those gifts to care for and teach. So I’m gonna focus on that for now instead of what I don’t get to have.
And I guess that is what we all should do when we hear bad news. And it’s what I’ve written about many times before. Find the good that can come from the bad. Now Harry and I know it will just be us in the future and we can plan to travel and live simply just like we dreamed. This past week I’ve seen all the monuments in D.C. and toured the entire American History Museum. I’ve driven through three states and am now sitting comfortably in a beautiful hotel suite in Valley Forge, Pennsylvania. I am blessed. Truly blessed.
I know this…so I’m gonna keep telling it to myself for when my heart forgets and gets sad again.