I was hit hard yesterday with the blues. My eyes were leaking all on their own. It wasn’t like a bad thought came into my head and I started to cry. There were no thoughts, just a numbness. And still my eyes cried. It was depression. I haven’t felt it for years but I recognized it. All I wanted to do was close my eyes, huddle on the couch, and cry. I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything and all I wanted were hugs. I didn’t even want to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk at all. It’s such a hard place to be because you really can’t get yourself out of it. It’s like you’re stuck.
I do know what set it off. I went in for my pre-op appointment for a surgery I’m scheduled for this coming Tuesday. Everything went fine, but all the questions, the blood work, the process made my mood sink. I’m not even sure I know why. Yes, I was scared. Yes, I don’t like the idea of being so vulnerable. Yes, it made me think, “What if this doesn’t work and I actually get cancer?” But I know mentally that I have a God who loves me and whatever happens will be His will in my life and I will be okay no matter what. My mind would not let myself stew in bad thoughts. And yet I was still there stuck on the couch.
People say attitude is everything and I tend to agree but sometimes you go through hard things and your body processes those things in a certain way. We are all wired differently. And for me, when I go through something emotional, it takes me back as if in order to get on the other side of it I have to wade through rushing water. Your feet still move in the right direction, it just takes a lot more effort and time to get there.
And I think that is where I was yesterday. Stuck in the rushing water. I could not have snapped out of it because I had to get through the water to the other side and that is how my body processed the experience I had in the hospital. My mind didn’t really have a choice in the matter. I just had to be patient and my mind’s job was to keep telling myself I would get there eventually.
If you feel stuck in depression right now, I want you to realize too that you will get there eventually to the other side of the depression. Some streams are wider and more treacherous than others. But you have to trust that God will see you through it and to the other side where you can once again move untethered.
Don’t expect to snap out of it, but do expect the day when you realize that you feel lighter, happier, and more motivated to take on life.
I was lucky enough, yesterday, to have my loving husband give me lots of hugs and not push me to “be okay.” He ran out and picked up dinner because I couldn’t even get myself up to cook an easy dinner. He let me watch what I wanted to on the television and he loved me. Knowing I was not alone helped a lot. It is why having a true partner is precious to me.
Harry told me that he vowed to love me in sickness and health and good times and bad and he took my head into his hands, lifted up my chin, kissed me, and told me, “I got your back. There are many, many people who love you, and we all got your back.” I know he doesn’t like it when I’m sad. I know he wishes he could snap his fingers and make everything all better. But I’m lucky enough to be in love with man who also understands that sometimes all a person needs is a hug.
I woke up this morning feeling better. Not 100% but definitely better. It did help to get moving. The best thing you can do for depression is try to get your body moving in any way and for as long as you can. It’s almost like the person who will die if they allow themselves to go to sleep in hypothermia. You have to force your body to move when it doesn’t want to.
So if that is you, please get up off the couch for as long as you can and take a walk, do the dishes, or pick up around the house, and then continue to be kind to yourself as you get through your day with hope!