I had an epic idea for the perfect April Fool’s Day joke for my kids. Buy a pregnancy test, take it, take it apart, draw little extra blue line that would make it look like a positive result, put it back together and somehow with it, tell the kids I am pregnant. They are too smart to believe me if I just simply told them, so I had to have evidence. I thought maybe, even as smart as they are, this would throw them off.
A perfect start to my day that I was determined to be perfect as well. Went to the store, decided to make yummy Pot Roast for dinner and then I remembered the Pap test I took last week. The doctor told me to call in 7 days to find out the results. This will be my fourth in 10 months. I’ve been getting abnormal readings that have resulted in biopsies and cryosurgical procedures. The last one he was pretty thorough and the doctor declared me cured. But not so fast says the nurse today. When I called she said my results were the same and when the doctor came in tomorrow he would recommend what to do next. But I already know what he is going to say because we discussed it at my last appointment. LEEP surgery. They hook you up to an IV, sedate you somehow and numb your cervix. I think the pain from the shot used to numb my cervix will be pain enough. Then with a laser scalpel they cut off the outer surface of your cervix. It’s better than getting cancer I guess…no…I know…but I’m still not thrilled about paying for, or enduring the procedure.
Unfortunately it was not an April Fool’s joke. Too bad.
I got off the phone and Harry who is working from home today said, “Haven’t gotten the results yet?”
And I said, “No they did.”
He came over and gave me the sweetest kiss on the top of the head and a nice big long hug as tears leaked out of my eyes. Then told me I would be ok. And I know I will.
Have to admit though the news deflated me. Fear entered in and I began thinking about my own mortality. I morbidly wondered what it is that will finally take me out. I hate thinking this way because normally I’m a tremendous optimist.
I have so much to look forward to. I just got married to a guy who is my favorite person in the world. Our transition into marriage has been one of the easiest transitions I’ve ever been through. We currently work about three days a week both at home, and it’s such a joy spending our time together. We have plans to sell my house and move to a high-rise city apartment. I shouldn’t even be entertaining the thought.
But when you start thinking about possibly having cancer…these things creep in from time to time. How will I die. I know it’s depressing. And it made me think of that joke I had planned on telling the kids. The doctored pregnancy test was up in my bathroom ready to go…but…now I realize the likelihood of me really getting pregnant is remote at best. Realizing I will probably never have another child depresses me even though I don’t really even want one. Harry thought I did a horrible job with the faking the extra line on the test and bet me ten bucks I couldn’t pull it off and now I didn’t even want to.
My son left to grab a slice of pizza with a friend and my daughter woke up. I was on the verge of tears again and asked her for a hug. I was this close to telling her about the surgery when I felt a pang of guilt for the news would probably ruin her day too. My kids mean the world to me and I don’t want to scare them. So without really a plan, I said instead, “Thanks for the hug honey…” She said, “Are you ok?” And that was my in. The devious part of me decided to try to prank. I knew the test was sitting up there, so I said, “Just go up and look up in my bathroom, at what’s in the wrapper.” She gave me a strange look but did as she was told.
I heard her feet walk across the room and then faster feet running down the stairs as she yelled, “Really mom? Is this for real?”
I was smiling and said, “Crazy huh?!”
She said, “Wow, wow, wow, gross, wow. Now I’m not even hungry, but at least this means you will definitely be fatter than me. Have you told anyone else yet.”
I told her no but I wanted to tell her brother as soon as he was home. Then she said, “Are you ok?”
And I said, “Yes I have a doctor’s appointment next week.” Harry sat quietly in his office listening to our conversation.
My son came home about then with his friend saying, “What did you want to show me?” I said, “Its upstairs in my bathroom.” He looked at me quizzically saying, “Can Jacob come?” I said, “No!”
He walked upstairs and came down slowly. Quite formally he said, “Congratulations! Jacob we are having a new addition to the family!” It was awesome. I got them both.
Then my son said, “I don’t even want to think about what had to happen for this to happen.” We all laughed.
Harry was laughing in the other room and I text him to come out and ask them what the date was today. Both kids were reeling with a million thoughts I’m sure, so it took them a minute to realize they had been duped.
My daughter smacked me hard on the back, and then we all burst into laughter. It was great, it was just what I needed. A good, positive release.
I don’t need another child, the two I have are awesome enough. Maybe laughter is the best medicine.