Having great sex is not about the latest kinky trend you read about in Vogue magazine. It’s not about how adventurous you are either. It’s about intimacy.
If you listen to married women, they complain that their husbands want sex too often and without the needed and necessary wooing to get them into the spirit of things. Instead of feeling like a sexy, loved woman, they feel like a piece of meat. Women often react to these feelings by becoming distant sexually or withhold sex as a punishment.
If you listen to married men, women are cold more often than not and most guys complain that sex drops off the charts after marriage. That no matter what they do, women are just not interested like they were before marriage.
Who is right?
I’m going to say something controversial at this point. And at first the men reading this article are going to think I’m siding with the ladies and the fact that I am a lady might make you suspect. But stick with me….because it’s not about giving up power it’s about ultimately everyone getting what they want.
Everybody wants to have great sex…but they are often willing to cave for easy sex instead.
Easy sex is offered on the table pretty quick after meeting. It might be the first date even. You don’t even know the person so at this point you are experiencing physical sex. So very early in a relationship sex becomes a physical act. The hormones that are generated at the beginning of a relationship to fuel this sex usually drop off within two years. It’s biologically proven. Ever hear of the seven-year itch? Men and women hook up, things are great for two years, they get married, then things go downhill, the guy hangs in there for a few years, the woman gets bitter and doesn’t understand why her husband is grumpy, he finds some other hot thing to bang, leaves his wife and then the terrible cycle begins again. It’s so common it is pathetic. If there is nothing else fueling sex than physical attraction then you can expect your love life to decline at this point.
The only kind of love-making that will last beyond that two-year mark is when it’s fueled by a deep appreciation, respect, and desire to be with that other person – not hormones.
I dated a guy once who had been married previously and I asked him if his wife had been his best friend. He looked at me like I was crazy. He didn’t understand the concept. He saw the role of wife as homemaker, caretaker to the children, and giver of affection to him. Period. No relationship existed beyond that in his mind. Unfortunately for her, she bought into that deal and had a 15 year marriage of isolation, loneliness, and was made to feel like an object in her own home. Needless to say that guy did not last long with me.
This notion that sex can be and is perfectly acceptable being purely physical is propagated in a world where people don’t expect much from each other. And this practice does damage if you actually end up in a relationship. Because the guy has been given a pass on sex already. The girl has given up the need for sex to mean more than just a poke. Sorry if that sounds crude, but it’s true. And while that appears initially for the guy like good news…if he falls in love with this girl and ends up marrying her…he’s actually setting himself up for a very unhealthy, and distant sex life during his marriage because there is no foundation established for healthy, good, love that includes sex.
It’s like anything in life. If you take the short, easy road at the beginning it will not pay off in the end.
Traditionally women have kept the keys to this dynamic but in modern days of free love, many women get a sense of independence and power from acting “like a guy” and acting like sex doesn’t mean anything to them either. But it does. It always does. Just ask the woman who gave it away early, then falls in love, and then wonders why the guy she’s with, has no motivation to treat her well, be exclusive, or give her anything more than what he wants. He has all the cards. So giving it away women…is giving away what could be a beautiful, nourishing, loving sex life for your future.
And men? Taking what you can get right now…is shooting yourself in the foot for later. If you plan on being a playboy for the rest of your life this might work for you. But if you have ever wished for what your parents had or grandparents? That amazing love that last years? Then this approach is terribly short-sighted.
Sex is a mutual act but it’s by nature a selfish one because it’s pleasurable. If all we care about is our own pleasure, sex will not last….it will break down and fall apart. But if you see how much you need the other person…it can work. Think about it this way:
The guy has a role as driver (so to speak). The woman is the owner of the car – she wants her car driven and she wants to win the race. The car is her body. The man only gets to drive the car if the owner says yes…but when he drives he’s happy – winning would be cool too but driving is in his blood. The car makes him happy. Seeing her car cross the finish line is what makes the owner happy. If it’s just about how pretty the car is…the car won’t win. It has to be a quality machine that is taken care of and treated well. The driver has to love his car and respect its owner. Because the owner matters. There is no car without the owner. There is no race without the driver. You all need to make each other happy in order to win the race. If the driver doesn’t care about winning the race he will go through many a car and drive them to the ground leaving him with a legacy of broken down cars. If the owner doesn’t let their car be driven it will stay shut away in a garage somewhere not ever seeing its true potential. But if a good owner finds a good driver…they can win together and everyone is happy!
Maybe this is the perfect analogy…maybe it stinks but it’s all I got. It works for me…
Intimacy is not just a chick thing. It works for everyone in the end. Intimacy can make sex a thousand times better. It’s two bodies connecting on every level. If you wait until you love that person you will realize what a cherished vessel the other person is. Your most valuable possession. Sex is aggressive, sex is a taking for one’s own pleasure. So if you don’t cherish that vessel…it can be an extremely selfish act. When it’s not…when you are truly being there for the other person too, wanting them to have an amazing experience…something magical happens that can elevate the experience into a spiritual realm that is beyond anything you’ve ever felt.
What is fueling your sex? What motivates it? Is it purely physical, is it the excitement of doing something kinky? Is it a sense of obligation? Is it a chore? It’s important because whatever is fueling sex is what sex will be to both of you. And if it’s not fueled by the need to deeply connect intimately with your spouse…then there is a problem. It might be “fine” for now. But give it a few years and you will be dissatisfied.
So if you are in a marriage that you want to last, sexual intimacy has to be an important component. How can you reignite or maintain a healthy sex-life? Insert intimacy. Start with good old-fashioned affection.
And this is where the WIN WIN part comes in!
Men, tell her how much you love her, how pretty she is. Touch her often and not just those parts. Touch her back, her fingers, her neck, her cheek. Look at her in the eyes and smile. Do nice things for her to surprise her and catch her off guard at your sweetness. Don’t be afraid to be soft-hearted. Give the woman what she wants. DO IT. The pay off will be two-fold. She will feel appreciated and loved and you will get to drive your car.
Women, and I’m being completely serious here. In marriage – give him what he wants. DO IT. If he wants a picture? He gets it. If he wants you right there on the kitchen counter? Yep. As long as you’re alone and no one is getting hurt, I say, “say yes.” Be sexy. Be spontaneous. Get naked. Don’t worry about what you look like. Let yourself be in the moment and love your man. You are not going to change men. They are physical creatures, they need to drive that car. And don’t forget, you want to win the race! Maintain your car and use it…don’t stick it in the garage. Do you think that will have a positive or negative effect on the rest of your marriage if you make him feel pleasure with you instead of withholding said pleasure from them? It makes sense. WIN WIN.
Marriage is not a place for a power grab. It’s the place to give your husbands and wives – the one you promised to honor, cherish, and respect – the BEST OF YOU. And in return it will motivate them to give their best back. The result will be great sex. And not just in the first two years, but for the long haul.
The other night Harry and I were marveling at how we seem to have struck the right balance between give and take. He said, “We have the perfect combination of lust and love.” I think you need both. The love part keeps it alive and the lust part keeps it interesting.
And lastly, don’t wait for your spouse to make the first shift into that new gear. You do it. It has to start somewhere. Believe me, if you truly shift gears, they will notice and it will be a good step in the right direction.