Parenting

MAN needed…

I spent the last four years convincing myself that I could manage on my own.  And women…I DID.  In every way shape and form I managed but good.  I did it all.  Super Woman status…yeah not really but that is what I told myself.  Maybe not super woman…but darn near it.  The new and improved me was sexier, slimmer, smarter, kinder…blah blah blah…it was all true mind you, but there was always one thing I couldn’t do on my own.

Come to think of it there were two.  Have you ever thought about the fact that the only passionate act you can’t do alone is kiss?  Kissing rules.  And there is no way to replicate it alone.  This is proven fact.  But the other thing and probably more important although kissing is a very close second…is that I could not talk myself down very well when I got angry at my kids.  There was no one to say…go take a break I got this…when I wanted to scream at them or pull my hair out or both.  Sometimes as a single mom I felt ganged up on.  It was two of them against me so to speak.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my kids and I think they’re great.  But all parent-child relationships have a certain power component especially during the teen years and I had to fend for myself. And I’m a mom with high standards and on occasion I press a bit too hard.  Took things a bit too seriously.  Went overboard.  I NEED a man to chill my beans.  I really do.  I admit it.  Especially between my son who is almost 20 and I.  We seem to push each others buttons very well.

Today.  Even though my Harry has been out-of-town since Sunday morning…something happened.  I did something I haven’t been able to do for a long time.  When things got to the point where I had no clue what to do next.  I called my husband and I asked him if he would please talk to my son.  And he said yes.

They talked on the phone for a good 20 minutes or so and my son appeared after hanging up the call like a new person.  Contrite, open, patient, controlled, willing.  ????!!!?!?!?!?!?

My deepest regret in my divorce was for my children.  The absence of a man in the house changes the dynamic considerably.  For my son it was profound.  No matter how many heart to hearts we had.  Or hugs, or sweet moments.  I could not be the man my son needed.  It was one of the reasons I was so happy to find Harry.

I chose Harry for me.  But I also knew that he would be someone who would garner respect from both my children in a way I could not.  Especially for my son, he needed a man in the house.

They know that Harry is IN their lives and will be there everyday.  No matter what.  And that is such a gift for them.  And for me.

I have a girlfriend who I love whose husband passed away around the same time my husband left.  We experienced much the same emotions.  She found another man and they made plans to marry and even had a baby but things didn’t work out and he left.  She has three sons now and no man, no dad, no ex.  We talk often and she is so worried about her eldest son especially.  She told me the other night that my son is lucky because he has three adults who love him and don’t want to see him fail.  And she’s right.

Even though my ex is not in my son’s life every day he’s there.  And I’m thankful for that.  If you are divorced and have a man who is a good father…don’t discount the blessing in that.  Foster that bond.  It’s important.  My kids have three now.

They gave him a present at our wedding.  It was a card that said Congratulations DAD and they wrote in the word “step”.  Inside it said you have a brand new miracle and they wrote in a boy AND a girl!  And they gave him two cigars one with a pink band and one with a blue one.  It was corny and cute and a beautiful gesture on their part.

Harry knows he is not their dad…but he is a welcomed addition to the family.  In our quiet moments he tells me what I need to hear, away from the kids.  What a good husband would do.  In the heat of the moment he takes charge and helps calm things down.  He cracks a joke and brings levity.  He tells a story and shows them he’s been there.  They know he’s the real deal.  I’m so very grateful.

Because not only do men need men…but families need men.  We managed alone.  But now that we are a family.  I’m so grateful that my kids  and I will not only have Harry as an adviser but the balance is back.  There is a strong, sensitive, loving man back in our home who cares and will do his best to lead this family.

God can do amazing things under less than ideal circumstances.  God sustained us and allowed my children to thrive in a single-parent home.  But it was harder.  Men are needed.  Men are necessary.  Men contribute greatly when willing to step up.

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